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Letter To Jubrin Aminu Al-Sudani The Acting President Of Nigeria

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Dear Mr. Jubrin,

I have no idea whether you’re really Sudanese or not, that’s really no business of mine. But rumors are rife and Nigeria is being torn apart. Yet, you really might be Sudanese…
If you really are an impostor, you must have been paid a pile of money, and your family back home promised eternal wealth and affluence.

I do know a thing or two about making deals with the Devil: YOU DON’T EVER LIVE IT DOWN! Whatever wealth you might have been given, you would not have the luxury to enjoy it. If the rumors did prove to be true and Nigerians were even unaware, the people you did the deal with would eliminate you once your usefulness is done with. Yes, you might have taken care of your family but one or two would know. For such a secret to be kept, your family would be wiped out. You may take this to the bank!

If it be true you were Sudanese, find a way to escape now, for your demise has been pre-planned, and you shall die and be declared dead as the other.
This is my honest advise. Run!!!
…but then, it might not be true. But how come you look so young, the bump on your chin gone and a bit athletic rather than frail? You don’t even need chemo any longer? Allah be praised. Well, steroids do work wonders. Do make up with your wife though as she seems unable to come near you.

Remember the other time rats didn’t allow you into the office? It was the fingerprint thing…the Chief that holds the Staff in the office forgot about it and accused the rats. That man is dangerous, Sir!

Please tell Okorocha and Amosu to stop talking anyhow. And we don’t like the way Saraki looks at you with barely concealed amusement. Call them to order, Alhaji Jubrin.
You must improve on your Fulfude; you don’t seem fluent any longer…chemotherapy affects the recall of languages, I guess. And take it easy on the gym…haba, are you practicing for wrestling?

See, you used to be all wrinkled and all, but your neck is now as smooth as Rihanna’s backside. Which cream are you using? The Senate must be made to make that cream compulsory for all Nigerians above 40 years. The cream is excellent. The surgeon that fixed the earlobe is a good surgeon too. He must be made a national hero.

And Sir, don’t mind those people asking you to remove your cap so that they would know you ain’t bald any longer; Wayne Rooney reversed his baldness with a very expensive medical procedure which you could afford several times over. The only problem is that you look a shade darker; you must keep out of the sun as you’ve been working too hard to save Nigerians!

Em…em…Saraki has been eating too much proteins in recent times so he would be taller than you. That’s corruption and he must be dealt with! He fails to realise that growing shorter than before is an ingredient of a good leader!
We do care, Sir.

Regards

Baron Roy

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